Self Worth

It's interesting how my mood dictates how I write, and what dictates my mood...hard to tell. Probably a combination of bodily nutrients, environmental stimuli, physical health, sleep, chemical trails (jokes), and my relationships with other people. Whatever the cause may be, today I'm feeling (as I refer to my chart) confident. I have a chart from rehab that has 70 different feelings complete with the according facial expression. I wasn't really sure of the word for my mood, but the confident face seemed to fit.

I started this post a couple days ago and left it because I needed some fresh skate pics to go along with my ramblings. It went like this: Conformity has never been my strong suit. I don't consider myself a leader and am not here to show people the way or anything. I admittedly have no idea what's going on, but I aim to find out. I have always been very emotional and wear my feelings on my sleeve. That's just who I am and as immature as it may be, I believe that other people care about how I feel. I don't hide things and something tells me that I need to keep exposing myself and everything I believe to be true. One thing I believe is that for whatever reason people put up a front (to other people) like they have their shit together. These fronts are inspired by the media and are making people depressed. The pressure to perform and showcase our talents is creating fear because behind the visaed lies an imperfect being trying to fit into something they don't understand.

I must have been feeling puzzled that day haha. I've been unemployed for well over a month now and the pressure to get a job surges within me sometimes. Yet today, after landing a teaching position at The Lifelong Learning Center, the pressure has relented a bit, giving me some space to reflect on all that unemployment has provided. I now have a handle on the unemployment insurance system, the legal process of divorce, the tax-exempt application process, and most importantly an increased valuation of my time. For the last five years I've been exchanging my time with Lee Enterprises for $13.50/hour, but since being out in the world it seems I can rock a far greater clip. We all have irons in the fire and keeping the fire stoked isn't always easy, but these irons aren't going anywhere and today I feel confident in my ability to forge something that will prove how valuable I truly am. Something useful and elegant. Something beautiful - born from the fire inside my heart. Something to inspire others and remind us all that we're more valuable than we think.

...and now some skating pics.